


It's wasn't enough.

by Mufffy



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Character Death, F/M, Heavy Angst, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Suicide, Suicide Notes, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-14
Updated: 2017-12-14
Packaged: 2019-02-14 13:06:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,984
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13008417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mufffy/pseuds/Mufffy
Summary: It's.... literally a bunch of vent.. Sorry it's really darkJohn writes a letter to Alex.





	It's wasn't enough.

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry i haven't posted in a while... things come up and i'm just not okay atm so.. sorry about that

Dear Alexander.

I’m not sure why i’m saying this. Why i’m writing this, why i’m even.. willing to try anything anymore. But i am, because i’ve decided on something. Something that will shatter most to no one’s life, because mine is expendable. After all, what’s just a kid from South Carolina? Nothing really, just another kid in the world of the unknown and pointless to humanity. I know i won’t make a difference in the world, now or any time soon. And so much has happened i just.. feel the need to break free.

So dear Alex, I bet you never knew i was depressed, huh? And no, this isn’t going to be some pity letter asking for you to feel sorry for me or for you to care because I know you don’t. I know how you feel, and you don’t love me. Not like Eliza, it’ just that.. I’ve spent years with you, you were my best friend for almost ten years and once i hit five teen i realized i was gay, and you accepted me for that. And i so very much appreciate you but not the same way Eliza does. You love her, you need her, you only want her. You’d never leave her or break her heart like mine, you even cheated on her and i was selfish and. I need to stop before it gets too heavy. 

Let me explain.. from the beginning 

Ever since i met you, i knew we were going to be friends. We were friends from age ten to nineteen and now we’re adults. But ever since i turned five teen i just knew i didn’t like girls, I liked you. I loved you Alex, and that’s selfish. I know it’s selfish, and i feel terrible for being selfish but i just wanted you to care about me like her. I wanted to be with you and for you treat me like her instead of.. however you saw me.

I used to write letters to myself all the time, saying how you’ll fall for me one day just as hard and i’ll be happy. But it never did, I had false hope. I kept lying to myself, telling myself so many lies. I wasn’t gay, I was straight and i’d grow up with a wife and have a child and be happy without you.. but it never happened. My dad was always homophobic, you knew that. You saw the bruises he’d leave, the phrases and comments he burned into my head. So it’s not just you. Believe me, It’s my dad and my mother’s death when i was a child, my little brother dying in London at such a young age.. He was really close and we knew all of each other’s secrets and then he just. Blew out like a candle.

Just like mom, and i don’t know where i’m going. When you met Eliza i got jealous, i cried myself to sleep nearly every night wishing that you and I were just a thing. You and Eliza could stay friends and do whatever just.. Maybe just a talk with you. I’d love to just walk and talk a little longer, Just a second longer would’ve been enough. But i was never enough, Eliza always said something that.. Not to be like her, but it wasn’t enough.

Instead of staying a second longer, Eliza cut it shorter. And i don’t blame Eliza, she loves you and you love her and you two are cute. You’re perfect. You two work together. You and me? Not working. My father would have disown me even sooner- Oh i forgot to mention.. I’m an orphan too. Funny huh? Mothers both died, fathers both left… Relatable, but not perfect. I’d just drag you down. Because.. Depression for half my life is easier than you’d think. Crying and feeling.. nothing actually. You’re not even sad actually. You feel like you’re gonna cry and then you just.. don’t. You loose interest in everything, Your smile is fake but no one notices or cares enough to ask. Just.. put on a mask and ignore it all. Ignore the pain and heart ache of it all.. My heart just.. Randomly got an ache and it won’t go away. Huh. Weird. It happens often, instead of crying i mean. You just feel hurt, not even sad or upset. I mean, You’re upset about something but you just don’t know what, you know?

It’s like a build up and.. Off topic, Right. I just. This letter is really depressing, sorry about that. I just.. Want to talk about Maria.. I mean, I know cheating is bad. And i didn’t even care, even after that i still loved you and.. That stupid selfish part of me wanted Eliza to leave you. To leave and never look back and leave you alone and that’d be my chance.. To steal you and keep you for myself and i just. Never did.. Because i love you to the point where i know better than to act. You always told me to act on the instinct and don’t wait to fall in love. To reach out and even if they’re dating someone, make them fall for you and.. I didn’t do that, at all.

I only ever wished for me to be Maria. For you to be with me and to love me the same way you loved Eliza and even though i know you don’t love Maria, I still wished it were me.. For us to just. Kiss, once, to be in love like teenagers who were stupid enough to fall in love. I’ve loved you for four years Alex. And i never once tried to do anything.. I waited too long. I waited like burr always said and i didn’t act like you.. The only time i waited and it could’ve maybe ended up nicely.. I don’t know, but it could’ve. Not likely.. But there was small hope for me

And it’s a lot to take in. Me wishing we were a thing but part of me knowing you would fuck up. Like you fucked up with Eliza but i wouldn’t even be mad but.. I’m so angry at myself. For loving someone who doesn’t love me. It’s just that.. I’m sure you would’ve known i loved you.. Somewhere in those four years, You had to have known even the slightest. You did know. You did know didn’t you? I’m sorry but.. You did. And you didn’t care. I was fragile.. So fragile, like my favorite snow globe from my child hood and you dropped me. You dropped me and shattered my heart, leaving me in pieces to try and pick myself up again.. Trying and cutting my fingers on the glass and dropping it more. Like trying to get over you.. Just, falling and breaking again. 

This is going so many places that are but oh so right and i just needed to get this out and.. You would’t’ve known if i never wrote you this and now my arm is getting tired from writing this all and ouch, I should take a break but.. I just can’t, Someone might find out i wrote this and try and get me help

This is probably gonna be really gay but it doesn’t matter at this point I suppose.

I appreciate you and everything you've ever done for me. i'll never forget each night i've spent, my eyes burning, my brain tired because i've wanted to talk to you because you make me so happy. i’ll never forget how you have cheered me up at some of my lowest moments. talked me out of doing stupid shit. Sadly not falling in love, but you did your best.. Evan Lafayette and Hercules helped me. Which i thank them and love them too for their kindness but.. It’s not enough 

it means so much to me and i couldn't thank you enough still though.

You just make me so fucking happy to the point if i were to lose you i'd lose myself, even if we barely talk anymore you still mean so much to me and i'll never forge you. just thank you for putting up with my whiny bitchy ass so long and just being my friend. i've never had this type of thing up until now and i never want this feeling to go away. i'm sorry that i can be a bit annoying at times but it's all out of love and just enjoying to talk to you. I’m honestly scared that i might lose you soon but i'll never forget you because i love you with all my broken and torn up heart. So basically, thank you so much for making me feel like i'm actually important to someone for a while. it means a lot. You mean so much to me. Thank you for giving me so many good memories and lots of reasons to smile. You're a big part of my happiness and life.

But. I’ve made up my mind. After telling you to come over, It’s nearly one a.m. as of now.. I’m going to do something drastic. Why you ask? Because i just can’t be saved properly. Even if i do get over you and live happily ever after.. I’d still want you. No matter what i want, It’s always you.

You probably think something could have saved me. But you couldn’t… A longer hug. A light hearted kiss. Not even a kiss, Maybe even a wink. Or just a shoulder to cry on, for you to understand… I would’ve stayed if you had only said the word. But you stayed silent.. staying with Eliza and forgetting about me, I bet you don’t even know what college i go to.. It’s alright, I told them i’d like to drop out, and so i did. I’m in the dorm now if that’s some comfort! But.. not for long.

I just. Love you Alex. And love is hateful and ruinous.. I love you. So that’s it. I was diagnosed with severe depression from age twelve and was told it would get better. It has, which is good.. But i don’t want it to get better. I want it to end.

So i’m going to end it.. Tonight. You’re on your way right now. You just texted me. Saying you’ll be here in ten minutes. I’d better hurry if I’m going to make this work.. Bye Alex. Don’t tell Lafayette or Hercules about this. I love them and don’t want to see them getting hurt over this.. So please tell them it was about my father. Lafayette knows of my depression. I told him when i was thirteen. And he’s done the best he could.

But Alexander. You did your best.  
___________________________________________________________________________________________________

“Jackie, I got your te- …” Alex looked up from his phone as it fell to the floor. He looked up in horror at John’s smiling face still. His hair was in a ponytail and he was wearing his favorite green hoodie and jeans. He looked normal but.. So horrible. Alex reached out a shaky hand “..J-Jackie..?” His voice wavered as he looked up at him. His best friend of ten years.. hanging. From the rafters in a college dorm.

He was dead. Alex knew that the instant he opened the door. The moonlight coming in through the window, the still swinging motion of his body where he kicked the chair away to fall. 

Alex reached his hand out further. Grasping John’s small hand in his own. He gasped at his still warm hand.

Alex’s blood ran cold like the hot tears pouring from his eyes.

Alex shook his head, holding onto John’s small hand. He had to be alive. He had to be, He couldn’t be dead. He was still there. His body was still warm. He couldn’t be dead..


End file.
